What to Say to Someone After Pregnancy Loss

When speaking to a mom who has lost her baby, it's important to offer compassion and understanding. Here are some things you should do and things you definitely should not do. 

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Acknowledge Her Loss

You don’t have to be eloquent. Keep it simple and be direct. Say:

• I'm so sorry for your loss. 
• I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you.
• This really sucks.

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Offer Specific Support

Some people want to be alone, while others might want company. Offer up your time and remember you don’t need to say anything, you can just be there. Say:

• I’m here for you. If you want to talk, I’m here for you.
• I’m here for you. If you don’t want to be alone, I’ll come sit with you.

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Do Not Minimize Grief

Never, ever, ever say these things:

• At least you can try again.
• Everything happens for a reason.
• You’re already a mom. 

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Let Her Lead and Listen

She might want to talk about her baby or her experience, or she might not. Follow her lead and listen without judgment. Remember, you actually don’t have to say anything. Silence is OK.

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Do Not Share a Story

People love to share stories of something that happened to a friend, sister, person on the news, just don’t do it. 

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Don’t Ask What Happened

Every mom who has lost a baby has blamed herself for it. There are so many irrational reasons running through her mind, so don’t ask unless she wants to talk about it. 

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Offer Up Specific Help

Instead of offering up a general ‘let me know what you need’ or ‘let me know if you need anything’ get specific. For example:

• I’m going to drop off dinner. Does tomorrow work?
• I can pick up your groceries. What do you need?
• Can I go to the pharmacy for you? 
• Let me pick up the kids from school and take them to dinner. Does this afternoon work?

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Help Parents Remember Their Baby

There are so many ways to remember a lost baby. Some ideas are:

• Release balloons or butterflies
• Wear a reminder, like a birthstone.
• Plant a tree or some flowers (in your yard, or the parents)
• Buy children’s books for the library
• Start a fundraiser
• Light a candle. October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and people around the world light a candle at 7pm local time.

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Respect Her Grieving Process

Everyone grieves differently. Respect her process and give her the space and time she needs. But that doesn’t mean don’t check in. It’s OK to say I’m thinking about you. 

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More Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss Resources

If you need more support, check out Postpartum Support International’s list of resources. There you will find lots of support for moms, dads, grandparents and the rest of the Village. 

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Losing a baby sucks. We are sorry you needed to read this for inspiration on how to support a loved one. Remember, your presence and willingness to listen are often more comforting than any words you could say. Being there for her, even in silence, can be a tremendous source of comfort.

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