How to Help Your Work Wife Return to Work After Having a Baby

Written by Kate Westlund Tovsen

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Returning to work after maternity leave is a huge transition. Whether it’s a first, second, third, or fourth child, and whether she’s returning to a physical office or a remote job, a postpartum mom needs all the help she can get. Enter you, work wife! As an advocate for mothers and the founder of The Society of Working Moms (and as someone who has twice returned to work postpartum herself) here are eight things you can do to support your work bestie.

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Organize a 'Welcome Back to Work!' party!

‍You know your work wife best, so make sure it’s what she’d actually want. Does she love surprises and being in the spotlight? Or is a quiet lunch with a small group of her favorites more her speed? (Best practice in all cases: ask her what she’d want before she comes back, and plan accordingly.)

Send her to The Society of Working Moms

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Like Villie, The Society of Working Moms is a virtual village specifically for and by moms who love their family and love their careers but aren’t fully supported in either. Membership includes a private Slack community filled with supportive women, networking opportunities, workshops, and weekly coaching (including by a certified matrescense coach).

Check out The Society of Working Moms!

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What's matrescence?

‍This is the physical, psychological, and emotional changes a mother goes through after giving birth. Like adolescence, it’s a time characterized by a lot of hormonal changes, which can make life as a new mom feel like an emotional roller coaster.

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It’s helpful for her to understand that feeling unlike herself is normal (and that if these changes are symptomatic of a bigger issue, like postpartum depression, there is help available). 

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It’s also helpful for you as a friend to understand that she has changed. After all, the birth of a child necessitates the birth of a mother.

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Don’t simply encourage self-care – enable it!

‍Yes! Absolutely get her that gift certificate to the nail salon, or movie theater, or art museum, or whatever else fills her cup. But give it in tandem with the offer to arrange childcare during that time, by you or a trusted babysitter. Whether she’s enjoying some alone time or time with her partner, it will be infinitely more enjoyable knowing that her little one is in good hands.

“Make it a double” (coffee, that is!)

‍While you’re doing your morning coffee run on your way to the office, pick up an extra cup. Do this for as long as she’ll let you, and especially as long as she’s mentioning that her baby is not sleeping all the way through the night. If she prefers the at-home experience, consider getting her a subscription for the morning beverage of her choice.

If she plans to pump, get her a gift certificate for not one but two fancy bras

‍I recommend “hands-free” options for utility, and two bras because, well, that just makes the laundry juggle that much more manageable. Kindred Bravely, Bodily, and Larken all offer good options.

Bring her food

‍If she’s pumping, bring in her favorite snacks to make that time slightly more enjoyable. If you already bring your lunch, bring a second. If you’re feeling ambitious, make her entire heat-and-eat meals she can bring home to her family. And if you’re feeling really ambitious, coordinate a meal train* with willing co-workers. (Be aware of any dietary preferences and/or restrictions, and communicate those to anyone who’s pitching in!)

*Caveat: If there is already a meal train set up outside of work, collaborate with that coordinator rather than starting your own. This prevents overloading the family with food they either can’t eat in time or don’t have the freezer space for.

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Include her

‍Make sure she’s included in meetings and projects (and be mindful of any schedule accommodations that might be needed around pumping, later start times, or earlier end times). Equally important, make sure she’s still included in any workplace social gatherings. She may need or want to say “no” more often than before, but an invite still means a lot.

On that note, continue to sing her praises, especially when she’s not in the room. She’ll need a hype woman more than ever. Point it out when she’s crushing it, celebrate her work milestones, etc.

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A parting note: Be consistent (and concrete) in your offers for help

IYKYK. And if you don’t know: returning to work as a new mom is wholly overwhelming. It’s often hard for her to even know what kind of help she needs. And if she does know what help she needs, it’s often hard for her to voice it. 

Avoid saying things like, “Just let me know if you need anything” because the decision fatigue is real. While this phrase is well-intentioned, it leaves the ball in a new mom’s [very chaotic] court. A better approach is to say something along the lines of, “Here are 3 things I thought of that might help you during this transition: 1 ___. 2 ___. 3 ___. Are you interested in any of them? Or did you have something else in mind?”

And remember: no one mom is alike, and even an individual’s needs will vary over time depending on what chapter she’s in. Keep showing up, and keep offering help. If she doesn’t need help, she’ll tell you!

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